Five years ago, Strixhaven: School of Mages showed us Magic: The Gathering’s original take on the wizard school genre, which covers everything from Discworld’s Unseen University to A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin—though obviously Harry Potter is the elephant in the room.
Back then, Wizards of the Coast hadn’t gone all-in on the crossovers. Now we’ve had everything from a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set to a limited run featuring Dwight from The Office. It was reasonable to wonder, after Wizards of the Coast’s corporate owner Hasbro announced a partnership with Warner Bros to “bring the Harry Potter universe to life through licensed toys and games,” whether that meant Magic would be one of the vehicles for that exercise in cross-branding synergy, or whatever the executives call it these days.
But no. Instead, Magic is returning to its own setting for Secrets of Strixhaven, a sequel set that checks in on the students and faculty several years and one multiversal war later to see how they’re doing. And, though I’ve enjoyed Magic’s crossovers like Middle-earth and Warhammer 40,000, I’m glad they’re taking a break from them this time.
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Strixhaven has a lot to recommend it over Hogwarts. For starters, it teaches subjects other than magic. While your history professor might summon a ghost to deliver a guest lecture on events they lived through and your biology teacher might be an actual druid, Strixhaven’s classes include mundane subjects from art to zoology. You’re going to come out more rounded than someone who has expertise in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions but has never taken a math class in their life.
It’s also a university rather than a high school. The student wizards are all young adults rather than mostly children, which makes the fact they end up in exciting magical peril on the regular a bit more OK. After book after book of the Hogwarts staff pushing their students into life-or-death situations, it’s difficult to see Dumbledore as a kindly old avuncular fuddy-duddy, rather than an incompetent liability who should have been fired years ago.
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(Image credit: Wizards of the Coast)
(Image credit: Wizards of the Coast)
(Image credit: Wizards of the Coast)
The age difference also makes the five colleges, Strixhaven’s equivalent of Harry Potter’s houses, seem less cruel. Each college represents a broad field of study, like Prismari’s focus on using elemental magic to enhance the visual and performing arts, and importantly they’re chosen by the students themselves at the start of their second year rather than being personality designations arbitrarily assigned by one magical bonnet.
There’s no quidditch either, and the equivalent sport of mage tower, which is about playing keepaway with your opponent’s mascot, has a scoring system that isn’t paper-thin absurdity. But at this point I’m nitpicking. Really, the reason Strixhaven is a more fun take on magical school tropes is that it’s self-aware enough to make fun of the whole idea.
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When you start reading Harry Potter it feels like a parody of the British boarding school system, something close in spirit to the brilliant assassin school bit in Terry Pratchett’s Pyramids, but the longer the series goes on the more obvious it becomes that Harry Potter is actually a celebration of boarding school nonsense—it just read like parody because it seems unthinkable someone could be in favor of separating children from their families to make them undergo an authoritarian proving ground to prepare them for the class system.
The fact Strixhaven wasn’t created by a transphobic nutbar is really just a bonus. Secrets of Strixhaven will be available in Arena from April 21, and on tabletops from April 24.
The infamous, tough-as-nails platformer comes to Steam with a playable Head Crab character
Super Meat Boy is a tough as nails platformer where you play as an animated cube of meat who’s trying to save his girlfriend (who happens to be made of bandages) from an evilfetus in a jar wearing a tux.
Our meaty hero will leap from walls, over seas of buzz saws, through crumbling caves and pools of old needles. Sacrificing his own well being to save his damsel in distress. Super Meat Boy brings the old school difficulty of classic NES titles like Mega Man 2, Ghost and Goblins and Super Mario Bros. 2 (The Japanese one) and stream lines them down to the essential no BS straight forward twitch reflex platforming.
Ramping up in difficulty from hard to soul crushing SMB will drag Meat boy though haunted hospitals, salt factories and even hell itself. And if 300+ single player levels weren’t enough SMB also throws in epic boss fights, a level editor and tons of unlock able secrets, warp zones and hidden characters. Ukrainian Warfare: Gostomel Heroes
Story mode, featuring over 300 levels spanning 5+ chapters
Play as a Head Crab! (Steam Exclusive)
33 legitimate Achievements
Warp zones that will warp you into other games
Over 16 unlockable able and playable characters from popular indie titles such as, Minecraft,
Bit.Trip, VVVVVV and Machinarium
Epic Boss fights
Full Level Editor and Level Portal (January 2011)
A story so moving you will cry yourself to sleep for the rest of your life
If you’re looking for something to do in about three weeks’ time, HoYoVerse is now taking signups for a round of closed beta testing for its next game, Petit Planet, that’s set to begin on April 21.
Petit Planet puts players in charge of an entire world, contained within the vast Starsea, where they can farm, fish, cook, hang out on the beach, make friends, form galaxies, and just generally live the cozy cosmic life.
“Spend relaxed and fulfilling days on your planet alongside your fuzzy Neighbors, and let your imagination run wild as you decorate your home or shape your own stylish landscapes,” HoYoVerse explained. “You can also explore the Starsea and forge connections with people and things at the ever-bustling Galactic Bazaar.
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“Each bond you form with Neighbors and the world around you weaves into an ever-growing web of connections that keeps the universe flourishing. As these bonds deepen and planets thrive, Luca, the vitality that flows through all things, shapes new landscapes and brings wondrous changes to your world.”
Yeah, that sounds awfully cozy, alright. Lest there be any doubt, watch this:
Petit Planet: Stardrift Test Trailer | Stardrift Test Begins April 21! – YouTube
The Stardrift Test, as HoYoVerse is calling it, will introduce new Neighbors, offer “enhanced Starsea Voyage experiences,” and add additional activities at the Galactic Bazaar. If you’d like a shot at access, you can sign up at planet.hoyoverse.com—HoYoVerse said “a selection” of people who sign up will get in, but pre-registering will also unlock “exclusive rewards” that I will assume will become available when the game launches.
Petit Planet does not currently have a release date, but HoYoVerse leaker Ubatcha said in February that the game was “entering its final stages of development,” so if this round of beta testing goes well, we may be hearing something on that front fairly soon.
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The infamous, tough-as-nails platformer – now in 3D!
uper Meat Boy 3D is a tough as nails platformer where you play as an animated cube of meat who’s trying to save his girlfriend (who happens to be made of bandages) from an evilfetus in a jar wearing a tux – IN 3D!
Our meaty hero will leap from walls, over seas of buzz saws, through crumbling caves and pools of old trash sacrificing his own well-being to save his damsel in distress – IN 3D!
Super Meat Boy 3D brings the old school difficulty of classic retro titles we all know and love and streamlines them down to the essential no bull straight forward twitch reflex platforming. Ramping up in difficulty from hard to soul crushing Meat Boy will brave lush (but also on fire) forests, vast dumps filled with the waste of mankind, and high-tech forges producing the very traps that will inevitably kill Meat Boy over and over and over – IN 3D! Virtual Cottage 2
And if a bunch of levels weren’t enough, we also have epic bossfights and tons of unlockable secrets – IN 3D!
According to a recent job listing, Blizzard is cooking up a new game in an engine and a genre that none of its releases have used before. The studio is looking for a “Lead Designer, Innovation” to run development on a “AAA open-world shooter” without a name.
Right now, every Blizzard game except Hearthstone (made with Unity) were made with in-house engines, but this unnamed shooter will likely use Unreal Engine. The listing says the lead designer will need experience working with the popular engine for prototyping features.
On top of that, the job also requires “15 years of professional experience in game design or a related discipline”, which tells me Blizzard wants someone who’s probably done this kind of work before, possibly even more than once. Given the amount of layoffs the studio endured in the last few years, I’d imagine there are plenty of former Blizzard veterans out there who would fit the bill.
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On Bluesky, Blizzard game designer Jeff Hamilton says the “fairly unique design role” will be part of his team, but his post sadly provides no clues on what the project even is—and neither does his LinkedIn page. My best guess is the new Starcraft third-person shooter mentioned in Bloomberg reporter Jason Schreier’s 2024 book Play Nice: The Rise, Fall, and Future Of Blizzard Entertainment.
Schreier’s reporting said Blizzard was “incubating” the project under the helm of former Far Cry producer Dan Hay. The book doesn’t mention a genre or even a timeframe for when it would be properly announced, but Blizzard is hosting a BlizzCon in September that could be where it’ll show up. Windows Central reporter Jez Corden corroborated Schreier’s reporting via his own sources in January, too.
Now before you get too excited, let’s remember that Blizzard also spent six years on a survival game only to cancel it after a massive round of layoffs in 2024. It’s possible this game—much like the infamous Starcraft: Ghost shooter that never was—might not see the light of day, especially when the videogame industry layoffs haven’t really slowed down.
However, the time is ripe for Starcraft to come back. The last game in the series was released 11 years ago (unless you count the Nova Covert Ops campaign that came out 10 years ago). An open-world shooter is a big leap from an RTS, but I imagine Starcraft fans will take anything at this point.
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Fight, explore and survive across a world of unforgettable adventures with the Team17 Collection Bundle. This collection of eight standout games challenges you to battle through dark fantasy realms, master co-op missions, uncover strange new worlds and more. From intense strategy to creative exploration, every title offers something distinct – making this a bundle packed with variety and discovery.
Even better, every purchase helps support Save the Children, contributing to the vital work they do for young people around the world. By diving into these incredible experiences, you’re also helping make a real-world difference.
Eight Standout Adventures. One Great Cause.
The Team17 Collection brings together a diverse lineup of experiences, each offering its own unique challenge:
Sworn: Brave a corrupted Camelot in this dark fantasy action experience where danger lurks around every corner.
Heroes of Hammerwatch II: Descend into perilous dungeons, battle fearsome enemies, and grow stronger with every run.
Amber Isle: Restore a charming community as you rebuild shops, befriend locals, and bring life back to a vibrant world.
Operation: Tango: Team up in a two-player co-op spy adventure where communication and coordination are key to success.
Heavenly Bodies: Take on zero-gravity challenges in a physics-based experience that’s as rewarding as it is unpredictable.
CONSCRIPT – Director’s Cut: Endure the brutal realities of war in this atmospheric survival horror set during World War I.
Warcana: Command armies and outthink your opponents using strategic, card-driven gameplay.
Scarlet Tower: Survive relentless gothic hordes in a dark, fast-paced action experience filled with upgrades and chaos.
Gaming That Gives Back
Every purchase of the Team17 Collection supports Save the Children, helping fund essential work across more than 100 countries. The organisation focuses on ensuring children stay safe, healthy, and able to learn—whether that’s through emergency aid in crisis zones, access to education, or protecting children from harm and exploitation. By picking up this bundle, you’re not just expanding your library – you’re helping give children the chance of a better future.
Instant Access. Endless Adventure.
As with all Green Man Gaming bundles, your keys are delivered instantly so you can jump straight into the action. You’ll also receive an extra 3% off voucher for your next PC game purchase, keeping the adventure going. Be quick, though, the Team17 Collection is only available for a limited time. Don’t miss your chance to experience this diverse collection of standout indie games while supporting a great cause.
Green Man Gaming
The Green Man Gaming Staff account represents the voices of the team behind Green Man Gaming, bringing you the latest in store news, industry insights, and curated gaming recommendations.
Cinderia is a fast-paced rogue-lite action game of pure exhilaration. Freely combine everything you can see—skills, combos, passives, and equipment—to create your own distinct fighting style. Darkness has swallowed the land, yet a faint glimmer still flickers among the ruins.
A roguelite action tale born of dark fairytales and smoldering ruin.
On the night the witch set the world ablaze, the ancient order fell with it. Kingdoms crumbled into charred wasteland, and only drifting ash remained to whisper among the ruins.
Across a land where embers entwine with shadow, a small few still resist the spreading corruption — souls capable of swallowing the remnants of black magic without surrendering their will.With this perilous power stirring within you, you will carve through the wreckage, grow amidst desolation, and draw ever closer to the truth buried beneath the world’s end.
Fates Cross in Ash
Short blades cut the dark, cannons tear the corrupted apart, frost brings death itself to stillness. X-Plane 12
Every adventurer bears a different fate and fights with a style that belongs to no one else.
Forge Your Own Way
The embers of black magic corrupt all they touch, yet she never foresaw that you would seize this power and bend it into a weapon of your own.
Different fusions of embers and spellcards reshape your skills and your rhythm, recasting every run into a new and unrepeatable path.
The Flame Endures
Fight, recover, and rise again. In the broken corners of this world, a warm flame still waits for you.
Falling, bleeding, failing — all of it is simply part of the road you walk.
Endless Paths Await
4 playable characters, each with a unique pool of 180+ skills.
130+ pieces of equipment with countless combinations.
Dozens of random events and room types shaping a new route every run.
Continuous updates, ever expanding the world and the ways you can master it.
Features and System Requirements:
Journey through a magical world filled with fantasy landscapes, towns, and hidden secrets.
Use a mix of weapons and magic to fight enemies in action-based combat.
Complete quests and challenges while interacting with characters and story events.
Upgrade abilities and gear to grow stronger and unlock new skills.
Experience an adventure-driven gameplay style with exploration, combat, and progression.
Screenshots
SystemRequirements
Minimum
OS: Windows 10
Processor: Intel I5-12600KF
Memory: 16,384 MB RAM
Graphics: NVIDIA GTX 1066
DirectX: Version 11
Storage: 4096 MB available space
Support the game developers by purchasing the game on Steam
InstallationGuide
TurnOff Your Antivirus Before Installing Any Game
1 :: Download Game 2 :: Extract Game 3 :: Launch The Game 4 :: Have Fun 🙂
This week: In addition to playing through Super Meat Boy 3D, Shaun is also playing the new game by the creators of Chasm, and something else that’s still a bit secret.
Super Meat Boy can take all the credit for rekindling my love for the action platformer. I bought a secondhand Xbox 360 in 2010 just to play it. In that era of cinematic brown shooters it was a welcome reminder that Hollywood gravitas and exorbitant polygon counts are surplus to requirement when what this medium really excels at is making you pull off extraordinary, often ridiculous technical feats with your fingers.
Since then the classic 2D platformer has flourished to the extent that Super Meat Boy, despite still being really good, isn’t something I think much about anymore. I played a bit of the autorunner Super Meat Boy Forever but bounced off it because I don’t like autorunners, and while Super Meat Boy 3D is mostly pretty fun, I’m not enamoured with it either.
Not much has changed in the move to 3D. Meat Boy has a jump that can be tight or hugely extended depending on momentum and the duration of your button press. He can wall run and dash. He makes a disgusting squelching sound when he’s killed, by dint of being raw meat. He leaves blood trails. There are deadly saws and spikes galore. The objective is to get to Bandage Girl at the end of each level, where she’s invariably stolen anew by Dr. Fetus.
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Super Meat Boy 3D has a load of niggling problems that are overshadowed by one huge existential problem: Super Meat Boy 3D looks bad. It doesn’t look ugly in the charming, deliberate way Super Meat Boy did. That old 2D platformer had a rugged visual identity that mixed excessive gore with 1990s cartoon whimsy and a modern, jagged take on pixel art that is still immediately recognisable. It looked kinda like the evil game you might accidentally encounter when shoving an NES cart in the wrong way around. It probably would have caused a moral panic in the ’80s.
(Image credit: Team Meat)
On the other hand, Super Meat Boy 3D just looks like a run-of-the-mill 3D platformer, albeit with a bit more blood than usual. Meat Boy himself triggers that same rush of familiarity that most mascots do—the one most people mistake for fondness—and sure, the CG cutscenes are kinda charming, but otherwise Super Meat Boy 3D lacks that scribbly weirdness, that canny approach to apocalyptic color, that made the first game so distinctive.
Edmund McMillen’s absence is probably to blame for this: Mewgenics looks more like Super Meat Boy than Super Meat Boy 3D does, and I reckon the first world in Super Meat Boy 3D would feel just as much at home in that recent Smurfs 3D platformer as it does here. Meanwhile, McMillen’s earlier collaboration with Tyler Glaiel, The End is Nigh, looks more like Super Meat Boy than Super Meat Boy 3D does.
It belongs to a modern vibe-less canon for which Fortnite is the visual trailblazer.
Super Meat Boy’s levels were often illogically designed and completely subservient to what felt good, but there was still a dim kind of clarity to its threadbare worldbuilding: it was obvious that we were navigating a long-collapsed hellscape. It didn’t necessarily matter that panoramic urban vistas were supplanted by subterranean lava worlds from one level to the next, because all were of a piece with the game’s zany, often puerile take on apocalypse.
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In the new SMB, I don’t really know what kind of spaces I’m meant to be inhabiting. Sure, there are general themes—green world, hi-tech world, lava world, etcetera—but the levels themselves often feel like the kind of user-made challenge map you’d find for Quake, or Garry’s Mod, or something, expressly designed for gitting gud in, with basically no convincing conceptual decor.
I mean… maybe it’s just me but this has to be the ugliest combination of colours I’ve seen in a game since yesterday, when I scrolled through endless reams of Steam shovelware for my weekly column:
(Image credit: Team Meat)
…and this is exceptionally over busy:
(Image credit: Team Meat)
Compare that to the average Super Meat Boy map. The color palettes are lovely in a yuck kind of way, and deliberately muted to avoid that quality completely anathema to precision platformers: excessive, distracting visual noise.
Super Meat Boy 3D has no vibe. It belongs to a modern vibe-less canon for which Fortnite is the visual trailblazer. It’s cloaked in a shiny, brazenly colorful aesthetic whose inspiration is both the crowdpleasing Pixar films of yore and tacky free-to-play phone games. You see it everywhere, but most overwhelmingly in aborted live-service games and, well, Dragon Age: The Veilguard. It’s an astonishingly weird art style for a niche masocore platformer to be dressed in, and it feels very at odds with the original game’s style.
While the game lacks visual flair Team Meat has, at least, done a good job transferring the precision-oriented feel of Super Meat Boy into a 3D format. He feels just like he did in the older game, though some levels lean annoyingly in the direction of trial and error, especially when rapid directional shifts are required. The boss of the third world is a real POS in this regard, and also highlights another weird quirk in SMB 3D’s design: by default the game has 45 degree snapping toggled on. You should probably turn this off straight away and learn to play without it, because it can cause a major headache later in the game.
SMB 3D feels good in the hands but by the fourth world I started to lose interest, mainly because I didn’t care what kind of world theme I would miss out on if I gave up. For your average completionist platforming sicko that probably won’t matter so much, because this is still, despite everything, a very competent action game. It’s just a shame that it’s also a very ugly one—and not a good, interesting ugly.
Farland Saga I & II Saturn Tribute Switch XCI Direct Download
An Adventure Across Time Begins Now! Eight years later… A young girl sets off on a new journey!
A Fiery Explosion of Magic! The Adventure of Karin the Mage Begins!
Entrich.
The wounds of the great conflict that shook this island eight years ago have finally healed, and travel between the island and the mainland is flourishing once more.
A lone girl boards a ship bound for the mainland.
Her name is Karin.
Having recently lost her grandfather, she now stands alone in the world.
Before his grave, she makes a bold vow:
“I’m going to make a name for myself on the mainland!”
Her destination is Attracta, one of the mainland’s most prosperous trading cities.
What fate awaits her as she embarks on her journey as an adventurer?
From Everyday Life to Battle! More Humor, Faster Combat!
Centered around the Adventurers’ Guild in Attracta, Karin and her companions find themselves in all sorts of comical misadventures—200% more humor than the first game!
Combat has been optimized for speed, making battles more engaging and accessible.
The battlefields are more diverse than ever—mountains, mines, the sea… even rooftops!? Every day brings a new, thrilling adventure!
Exclusive Saturn Tribute Features to Fully Support Players!
“Always-On Status Display” for allies, ensuring quick and easy battlefield awareness.
“Rewind” and “Quick Save & Load” features, allowing you to correct mistakes and retry tough situations with ease.
Finding battles too challenging? Activate the support function to double the experience points gained!
A simple yet deep battle system, where each character has their own unique traits.
Note: This game, including its menus and in-game text, is available only in Japanese.
What is Farland Saga II?
Farland Saga and its sequel, Farland Saga: Toki no Michishirube, form a two-part simulation RPG series, each depicting the grand adventures of their respective eras. The series gained popularity for its adorable character illustrations, lively animations, and engaging, humor-filled dialogue.
This title is based on Farland Saga: Toki no Michishirube, the second installment originally released in 1998, now enhanced with new features to improve playability.
AI is coming to take my job, so I’d better start looking for a new one. Luckily, there are a ton of job simulators on Steam, and I’m going to play as many as I can until I find my next career. This week’s job: Zoo Life Simulator, an early access game about managing a zoo.
I’m not sure who put me in charge of a zoo so massive I need to ride a horse just to get across it and yet only gave me a budget of $1,200 to spend on animals to fill it—but that’s the situation I find myself in on my first day of work in Zoo Life Simulator. I’m in a big, empty zoo with very little money (and a horse).
I browse the animal shop, which at this stage contains only chickens, rabbits, and geese, none of which I typically associate with zoos. But, you’ve gotta start somewhere, so I start with chickens. I spend half my cash on chickens, which at $60 each means I now have 10 whole chickens. Welcome to my awesome zoo?
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But hold on. It’s my first day on the job and I want to show some initiative, some strong decision-making skills. Go big or go home, right? So I take my remaining $600 and also spend it on 10 chickens. I’ve blown my entire budget within a few seconds of being hired, sure, but that’s what it takes to get ahead. 20 chickens. From this I shall build my zoo empire.
Unfortunately, the game won’t let me do anything else until I’ve bought food for my 20 chickens, and I can’t do that with $0. Humbled, I sheepishly sell back half of my chickens. Worse, I don’t even get my 600 dollars back. I sell my other 10 chickens, but still, no refund.
Didn’t expect to be given a horse on day one. (Image credit: Hiraru)
It’s day one of my new job and all I’ve done is spend $1,200 on zero chickens. I try to imagine what I’d actually do if I lost my employer’s entire budget on my first day of work, and I honestly think I’d go to my bank, take out the amount of money I’d spent, and quietly slip it into the zoo’s cash drawer. I’d prefer losing my own money over getting yelled at or exposed for incompetence.
I do the equivalent of that by starting the game over.
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This time I buy a rabbit. Just one rabbit. My bravado is gone and my goal is now to just get through a single day without screwing things up. I release the bunny from its cargo container, which explodes (don’t worry, in this zoo universe that’s normal). The rabbit sort of creeps around so slowly I suspect it’s either elderly or horribly ill, but it’s so small and so far from the enclosure fence that maybe no one will notice.
I buy a bag of rabbit food, which is airdropped by helicopter in a container roughly 50 times its size (this is also normal). I pick up the bag with telekinesis (normal) and due to the awkward physics of the game, only manage to pour about 1/100th of the food into the rabbit’s trough, losing the rest. A fine start!
I ride my horse back to the park entrance—it suddenly occurs to me a horse would make a much better zoo exhibit than a rabbit—and have my zoo’s grand opening. Grandly, nothing happens for a while. I get on my horse and ride out of the park, eventually spotting some people slowly walking in my direction. No cars, no buses. The people in this world simply walk from the distant horizon to my park entrance, then trudge another half mile to the rabbit enclosure.
I leap off my horse, closely monitoring the reaction of my guests who spent $15 at the gate to see a single, elderly rabbit behind a fence. I am not disappointed, and neither are my guests.
The rabbit is that brown smudge 100 feet away. (Image credit: Hiraru)
COOL, one says. WOW says another. OMG says a third. The words appear over their heads as if they’re sound effects torn from a superhero comic. They wave their arms and pump their fists. Some even dance. Looks like my Oops No Animals Except One Rabbit zoo is a hit.
With just a bunny to manage, there’s not much else to do on day one. The rabbit takes a dump and I clean it up. It eats a surprising amount of food for a lone rabbit, but there’s no risk of it running out. A visitor gets inside the rabbit pen somehow, stands ankle deep in the pond inside the enclosure and faces the corner, yet still seems utterly jazzed about visiting my nearly immobile rabbit. Maybe running a zoo is actually really easy? How did Matt Damon make a whole movie about this?
Profit made, the next morning I purchase a single goose and move it in next door to the rabbit. Feeling a bit more daring, I also buy a “service area,” which turns out to be a hot dog cart, another hot dog cart, a kebab cart, and a third hot dog cart. The day ends with more profits from hot dog lovers and people impressed by an old rabbit and a silent goose.
It it remembers it can fly, my entire business plan will be in ruins. (Image credit: Hiraru)
Day three is a bit shakier. Both the rabbit and goose seem to be consuming entire bags of food that are several times their size and pooping like crazy. The paths of my zoo are now filled with trash, presumably from guests visiting the many hot dog stands and not disposing of their litter properly. Once trash cans are full they burp up a giant trashbag, which I must telekinetically hover to a dumpster down the road.
And no matter how many times I increase the cost of the park entrance fee (with two very different animals on display, I’ve jacked up the price from $15 to $50), everyone entering only pays $13 each. Vexing.
Even so, by the next day I’ve doubled my net worth and then some: I’ve got five grand burning a hole in my pocket and I’m desperate to level up to a larger animal that’ll really impress the most easily impressed people in existence, like a goat. But at this rate, it’s going to take ages with just one rabbit and goose, so it’s time for the nuclear option.
I circle back to my original plan: go big or go home. I spend $3,000 and buy 50 chickens. Let’s get bawk wild.
They’re moving in herds. They do move in herds. (Image credit: Hiraru)
First problem: the nearest available pen isn’t anywhere near the rabbit or goose or the spot where the helicopter drops my animal food. It’s way down a road and way up a hill, so to even get there I need to load up the horse with feed bags and gallop. Second: if one rabbit and one goose each eat a single giant bag of food in a day, how much do 50 chickens eat? This is a question I should have asked a few seconds before buying 50 chickens instead of a few seconds after.
Third: the chickens are simply too annoying to be around. They don’t crow, but they do bawk-bawk-bawk constantly. I have to mute the volume to even set foot in the chicken pen, and I have to set foot in the chicken pen constantly because they eat so much. With the food trough at 0%, I dump an entire sack full of feed in. In under a minute, it’s empty again. I’m going to be doing nothing but humping food up the hill all day and night.
Spared no expense. (Image credit: Hiraru)
It’s hard to argue with success, though. I’ve doubled the amount of guests visiting my trash-filled zoo and in a single day I’ve already made back the $3,000 I spent on those annoying chickens. Gritting my teeth, I buy another 50 chickens, hoping to speedrun my way to goat ownership.
But something occurs to me when I check on my goose, which has taken three stinky dumps already today. If one goose poops three times a day, that means 100 chickens…
Hey, boss? I said I wanted to go big or go home. But I definitely don’t want to pick up 300 chicken poops today. So I’m going home.
Performance Evaluation
Would I like to manage a zoo IRL?
Looking at animals behind bars all day would make me sad, and picking up all their poops all day would also make me sad. So, no.
Would I make a good zoo manager IRL?
I’ve proved I will foolishly and repeatedly spend thousands of dollars on chickens the moment I’m given the chance. So, no.
Is Zoo Life Simulator good?
There’s a sort of clunky charm to the sim, and I can imagine it being more fun in co-op—but I’d also describe it as “very, very early access.” Might want to let it bake for a bit. Here it is on Steam.
