I grew up in the 2000s with a PC but not a whole lot of money. That’s the kind of combination that gets you bargain-bin Sold Out Software games from Poundland or, more so in my case, an absurd number of free-to-play online and browser-based games that were utterly pervasive across the internet.
My childhood was a never-ending revolving door of these mid-tier Flash and Java games. Some have long left my memory, a fleeting experience. But some continue to rattle around in my brain, reminding me of simpler times where I didn’t have to pay taxes or subject myself to at least one hour of screen-free time before bed lest I wake up with a headache the next morning.
But where are these weird and wonderful games now? Are they still scattered across the internet? Are they in their original forms, practically untouched, or have they evolved into far deeper and darker games than they once were?
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Well, as I continue to march into my 30s against my will, I’ve been thinking back to the games I would play as a child and asking myself just that question. So why don’t we go and check in on a couple of them?
Where the hell is Puzzle Pirates now?
Puzzle Pirates is, if you haven’t already guessed, an MMO where you are a pirate and you do puzzles. Every component of a ship’s operation is done through different puzzles—bilging is a Bejeweled-inspired match three, sailing is a buccaneering Doctor Mario, patching the sails is incredibly similar to Pipe Dream. You get the drill.
It’s an incredible niche premise, one I expected to have long sunk. Except… it hasn’t? As I popped on the internet to see if the game was still kicking around, I was shocked to discover that it was. Hell, it’s on Steam. Still official and everything! No private, fan-run server to be seen! A couple seconds and a mere 85mb download later and my ears were being thoroughly blasted with jaunty pirate tunes. A search through my ancient childhood email inbox revealed that my original account was unfortunately deleted in 2012, so I made a brand-new pirate called Johnpcgamer (pirates are a singular-named folk, it seems) and dove right in.
And, well, aside from being told how to purchase premium currency within the first 60 seconds of being born, it’s exactly how I remembered it. There are a lot less mateys milling around these days—most of them seemed to be the real for-lifers, ones with more trophies and gold and puzzle proficiency than most of the server combines—so I dove into a few tutorial voyages with some friendly bot pirates.
As a child I mostly stuck to bilging—as far as I could remember it was one of the easiest, and it was also one of the main duties assigned to scrubs like myself. I made a start with that one, before moving on to carpentry and rigging. And the minigames still hold up surprisingly well today, unsurprising considering most of them are inspired by iconic, already-established puzzles.
The occasional mid-voyage reports were informing me that I was, unfortunately, doing a little bit shit. The puzzles are good, but they require a level of speed, foresight, and cleverness that I clearly do not possess. At least there were no real-player captains there to yell at me about it.
After sailing the high seas for a little while, I went for a quick stroll around the town of the island my ship had arrived at. It was stuffed to the brim with tailors—every business in Puzzle Pirates is player-owned, and as with all MMOs I assume fashion is the endgame—with a single inn wedged between them all.
I nipped in, hoping to partake in drinking games with some NPCs. Unfortunately, they all massively outclassed me and in a display of pirate honour, politely refused to go toe-to-toe with me in a drinking contest lest I end up in some sort of hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby scenario.
Unfortunately, much of Puzzle Pirates seems to be gated off to swabs like me. Everything is too expensive (even buying doubloons, the game’s premium currency), a good handful of the minigames are paywalled behind a subscription, along with many of its systems. But that’s exactly how I remember it, so I’m taking a weird sort of comfort in this deja vu.
It’s strange seeing this relic of my childhood stand the test of time. A niche MMO that I’d be surprised if it was drawing even triple-digit numbers these days, still drifting along the ocean slowly but surely. I doubt I’ll be going back anytime soon, but I’m happy I even have the option to in the first place.